Top Guy
1) Cory
This tops the list because I was almost named Cory. Mom’s selling point to my two older brothers: “You can call him Corky.” All of the potential victims from the multi-state killing spree that would have ensued should be grateful that another name was chosen.
2) Beemer
My brother wasn’t so lucky. He ended up with the middle name of Beemer, which also was my grandfather’s middle name. Growing up, we would play games of B-E-E-M-E-R instead of H-O-R-S-E. The lesson: Never name your child something that he/she will never forgive you for naming them.
3) Cheyenne
If you want your daughter to end up in a trailer park or in a porno, this is the name for you.
4) Elliot
I’ll let John Cusack’s character from The Sure Thing handle this one: Elliot? You’re gonna name the kid Elliot? No, you can’t name the kid Elliot. Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste. You’re not gonna name the kid Elliot. You gotta give him a real name. Give him a name. Like Nick. Yeah, Nick. Nick’s a real name. Nick’s your buddy. Nick’s the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn’t mind if you puke in his car, Nick.”
5) Anything Anything III
If you’re a Junior, and you pass your name on to your son, you’ve just obligated him to name his first-born boy Anything Anything IV. Don’t do this to your future grandchild.
Top Lady
1) Cheyenne, Dakota, or any other Tribe of Which You Are Not Actually a Member
I know it drives Native Americans crazy enough when white folks decide to get in touch with their native roots by putting up dreamcatchers or retreating to a spa in New Mexico to communicate with the Great Spirit. But introducing your blonde, blue-eyed kid as “Dakota” just begs the question: have you ever heard the wolf cry to the Blue Corn Moon?
2) Tressel Hayes
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2830476
3) The Same First Name as Dad, but Not the Same Middle Name
Thus creating all the fun and wacky confusion of having two “John Smiths” without the convenience of “Junior.” Plus, it eliminates the potential for the royal-sounding III, IV, and V suffixes. (or, the hick-sounding Trip, Ivy, and Vee nicknames)
4) Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte, or Aidan
5) Combination of Parents’ Names
Yes, no one else will have a kid named Linley, Joniffer, Kevlyn, Markery, or Marbert. But, aside from imagining that name on a business card 30 years from now, what happens when Jakily and Sophichael get married and have kids? You’ve got a grandkid named Jasopilchel. That’s what.
1) Cory
This tops the list because I was almost named Cory. Mom’s selling point to my two older brothers: “You can call him Corky.” All of the potential victims from the multi-state killing spree that would have ensued should be grateful that another name was chosen.
2) Beemer
My brother wasn’t so lucky. He ended up with the middle name of Beemer, which also was my grandfather’s middle name. Growing up, we would play games of B-E-E-M-E-R instead of H-O-R-S-E. The lesson: Never name your child something that he/she will never forgive you for naming them.
3) Cheyenne
If you want your daughter to end up in a trailer park or in a porno, this is the name for you.
4) Elliot
I’ll let John Cusack’s character from The Sure Thing handle this one: Elliot? You’re gonna name the kid Elliot? No, you can’t name the kid Elliot. Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste. You’re not gonna name the kid Elliot. You gotta give him a real name. Give him a name. Like Nick. Yeah, Nick. Nick’s a real name. Nick’s your buddy. Nick’s the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn’t mind if you puke in his car, Nick.”
5) Anything Anything III
If you’re a Junior, and you pass your name on to your son, you’ve just obligated him to name his first-born boy Anything Anything IV. Don’t do this to your future grandchild.
Top Lady
1) Cheyenne, Dakota, or any other Tribe of Which You Are Not Actually a Member
I know it drives Native Americans crazy enough when white folks decide to get in touch with their native roots by putting up dreamcatchers or retreating to a spa in New Mexico to communicate with the Great Spirit. But introducing your blonde, blue-eyed kid as “Dakota” just begs the question: have you ever heard the wolf cry to the Blue Corn Moon?
2) Tressel Hayes
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2830476
3) The Same First Name as Dad, but Not the Same Middle Name
Thus creating all the fun and wacky confusion of having two “John Smiths” without the convenience of “Junior.” Plus, it eliminates the potential for the royal-sounding III, IV, and V suffixes. (or, the hick-sounding Trip, Ivy, and Vee nicknames)
4) Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte, or Aidan
5) Combination of Parents’ Names
Yes, no one else will have a kid named Linley, Joniffer, Kevlyn, Markery, or Marbert. But, aside from imagining that name on a business card 30 years from now, what happens when Jakily and Sophichael get married and have kids? You’ve got a grandkid named Jasopilchel. That’s what.
2 comments:
screw you! Beemer is an awesome name Corky!
Thankfully, non of our names for our soon-to-be-born kid made your list. However, I sort of like Tressel Hayes. Throw in a "Brutus" and we have a deal!
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