Top 5 Buildings

Top Guy

1) China Central Television Headquarters, Beijing
This building should be considered one of the seven wonders of the modern world. You can read about it yourself here: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/16/arts/design/16rem.html?scp=4&sq=cctv%20headquarters&st=cse

2) Saint Basil’s Cathedral, Moscow
Best known for its colorful onion domes, the cathedral was commissioned by Ivan the Terrible to celebrate the capture of Khanate of Kazan. Upon its completion, Ivan asked the architect if he could recreate the structure. When the architect said yes, Ivan had his eyes cut out.

3) Camden Yards, Baltimore, Maryland
While the home of the Baltimore Orioles isn’t my favorite baseball stadium—I’ve never actually seen a game there—it was the first of the modern throwback ballparks, which include truly beautiful baseball stadiums in Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Cincinnati.

4) Pentagon, Arlington, Virginia
The headquarters of the U.S. Department of Defense is the world’s largest office building. Its distinctive shape improves functionality—each of the Pentagon’s five buildings is connected through a series of concentric rings, which allows quick navigation from one side of the structure to the other.

5) Rockefeller Center, New York City
OK, Rockefeller Center isn’t technically one building. But the 19 buildings spread between 48th and 51st Streets have housed NBC, Radio City Music Hall, Simon & Schuster, the Associated Press, Exxon and Lehman Brothers, among many, many others.

Top Lady

Top 5 Buildings

1) The Chrysler Building, New York City
The Empire State Building gets all the glory for dominating the skyline, but the Chrysler Building is the city’s true Art Deco masterpiece. The streamlined eagle-shaped gargoyles also embody the spirit of aggressive, unapologetic capitalism in a way it took Ayn Rand 900 pages to express.

2) St. Peter’s Basilica, Vatican City
For those who are not aware that, for much of the past Millennia, the Roman Catholic church was just as much a political and monetary power as a religion, I present The Vatican. One of the few man-made places on Earth that genuinely inspires awe.

3) Smurfit-Stone Building, Chicago
The entire Chicago skyline is actually my favorite in the world, and the Smurfit-Stone building manages to stand out without shouldering its way forward like its more famous, gigantic neighbor to the south (if for no other reason than its role in Adventures in Babysitting). The diamond shape was designed (by a man) to resemble a sailboat on the lake, by the way—despite whatever urban legends you may have heard.

4) Capitol Records Tower, Los Angeles
Aside from the fact that it actually looks like a stack of 45s on a spindle, the architecture of the Capital Records building encapsulates the laid-back glamour of ’50s Hollywood. Even though L.A. is a little less laid-back these days, this round, future-modernistic building looks more California than a tower of glass and steel ever could.

5) The Wexner Center for the Arts, Columbus, Ohio
I think more people know about this building in Europe than in the United States; and I know more people actually like it over there than here. Regardless, it took a lot of guts for Mr. Wexner and Ohio State to look at the plans for this building and say “go ahead” in the '80s, before Frank Gehry and Rem Koolhaas made it cool for college campuses to have randomly bizarre buildings. It’s a grid-gone-mad playland based on skewing everything 12 ¼ degrees off square; and it’s a nice counterpoint to that horseshoe-shaped building down the road—proving that there is something to see between No. 1 and No. 4 on this list.

Top 5 R.E.M. Songs

Top Guy

1) Country Feedback
It’s possibly the simplest song musically the band has ever written—it’s just four chords, a distorted pedal steel guitar and some percussion. With Michael Stipe’s repeated “It’s crazy what you could have had” line at the end, it’s also one of the best songs to listen to after a bad breakup.

2) Disturbance at the Heron House
Before Seattle, there was tiny Athens, Ga. This song is about a photograph of the Athens scene, a photograph where Michael Stipe looked around and noticed how many people in the frame weren’t actually from Athens. Yes, Matthew Sweet, he’s talking about you.

3) Stand
One of my favorite concert memories is seeing R.E.M. in 1999, hearing the opening keyboard line to “Stand” and seeing everyone in the amphitheater turning to the person next to them, smiling and screaming “Oh my god.” This was the song that propelled the band to the stratosphere, and it’s really catchy and danceable to boot.

4) Radio Free Europe
This is the song that started it all.

5) (Don’t Go Back To) Rockville
Reckoning is my least favorite R.E.M. album (not counting anything without Bill Berry), but this countrified gem is both a departure from the band’s early jangle and also the best song that Mike Mills has ever written.

Top Lady

1) I Believe
This has long been my favorite R.E.M. song; aside from the nice banjo at the beginning and running, falling melody, the lyrics are just top-notch. Michael Stipe is at the height of his wordplay, giving familiar phrases a twist, while sprinkling hints of images and scenes throughout the song (“when I was young/a rattlesnake”) that don’t really form a narrative or message—just a spirited vibe and the motto “Change is what I believe in.” In 27 years, I don’t know if there’s a better lyric than “Golden words make practice/Practice makes perfect/Perfect is a fault/Fault lines change.” I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if the Obama campaign took this song along for the ride.

2) You Are the Everything
How do they do it? How do they write a truly beautiful song that encapsulates a moment of being in the “late spring” of life, lying down in the back seat of a car and looking up at the stars and having a feeling of oneness with the universe (“They’re there for you/ For you alone”) that feels completely sincere? How do they pull off lines such as “She is so young and old” and have them work perfectly? I don’t know.

3) Nightswimming
The great thing about having three songwriters is that you get a beautiful piano sonata by the same group that wrote “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” That’s Bill Berry playing the piano, by the way, in case you needed more of a reason to regret his leaving the band.

4) Driver 8
Another great example of a Peter Buck jangle meets loosely connected Michael Stipe lyrics to make a song that perfectly evokes the South, travel, rural life, and the weariness of the road.

5) Half a World Away
On a different day, this might not be on my list, but this melancholy, swooping song (which would fit in fine on Automatic for the People) again embodies the things that make R.E.M. great: inward-looking lyrics that have a great poetic flow (just the pairing of “blackbirds/backwards/ forward to fall” will get stuck in my head for hours) and a melody that’s not necessarily catchy, but somehow stays with you for a long time.

Top 5 Professional Wrestlers from the '80s

Top Lady

1) Rowdy Roddy Piper
So, I basically have had to organize my list in the order by which I could actually think of '80s wrestlers, and the first thing that came into my mind was something about a guy in a kilt. So, although Hulk Hogan is probably the most famous, Piper made the most lasting image in my 10-year old mind (which was, admittedly, pretty crowded with Rainbow Brite at the time).

2) Andre the Giant
Have you seen the Biography of Andre the Giant? Like all giants, all he ever wanted was to be loved. And to drink a lot. Aside from being in The Princess Bride (did I mention the 10-year-old me?), he also has immortality via those Obey Giant stickers that were everywhere a few years ago. And, I guess, he wrestled pretty well.

3) Jerry “The King” Lawler
Jerry Lawler is most famous for wrestling with Andy Kaufmann in 1982 and supposedly getting into a fight with him on Letterman. After Kaufmann’s death (or, “death”) he came forward and admitted it was a hoax—but I’m sure that that was the only fixed match in all of professional wrestling.

4) Mr. T
He pities you.

5) The Fabulous Moolah
I first heard about The Fabulous Moolah when she died two years ago. Her career stretched well before and after the ‘80s, but she did rock some very ‘80s leotards and tights throughout her lifetime. I really don’t know if she actually was the longest continually competing athlete in any sport, ever (as the WWF claimed her to be), but in every photo of her in the ring she always seems to be having fun. Since she won her last match at the age of 76, I’m going to guess she had a lot of it.

Top Guy

1) Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
You have got to love the fictitious backstory: Snuka was supposed to have developed his renowned leaping ability by jumping off of palm trees in his native Hawaii, and then later canoed to the mainland to begin his wrestling career. He was famous for his “I Love You” hand-gesture salute to fans before diving off the top rope to finish off his opponent. He also wrestled a steel cage match against Don “the Rock” Muraco, which ended with Snuka diving off the top of the cage, that was possibly the second best fight of the decade (see below).

2) Andre the Giant
Wrestling’s first true giant also was arguably the best performer ever to enter the squared-circle. His WrestleMania III match against Hulk Hogan—where Hogan body slammed the unbeatable giant—is considered wrestling’s finest. Andre’s performance in The Princess Bride showed that the gentle giant could be a lovable actor in addition to an overwhelmingly good wrestler.

3) The Road Warriors
There was nothing so terrifying for an opposing tag team than to wait in the ring while the opening notes of Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” played over the sound system, waiting for Hawk and Animal to run out and the annihilation to ensue. Their matches typically lasted about 30 seconds, they were by far the best tag team of the decade, and Animal’s son is now an All-American linebacker at Ohio State.

4) Ric Flair
The “Nature Boy” might be the best professional wrestler who ever lived. He was a 16-time world champion, he worked the microphone like no one else before or since, and he redefined the nature and role of the heal as the leader of the Four Horsemen. Like many other professional wrestlers, he also was a real athlete—winning a high school wrestling championship and going to the University of Minnesota on a football scholarship

5) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
No one rocked a kilt like “Rowdy” Roddy. His Piper’s Pit segment was almost always entertaining, and he had more famous feuds (Hulk Hogan, “Superfly” Snuka, Mr. T) than anybody else. He even headlined the first WrestleMania. Piper also ventured outside of wrestling, becoming a bonafide B-movie star with roles in They Live and Hell Comes to Frogtown.

Top 5 American Musicals

Top Guy

1) The Producers
I’m a big Mel Brooks fan, which puts me in the same category as any other American man who was ever a teenager. The Producers features a musical—the truly inspired Springtime for Hitler, no less—within the musical that is intended to defraud investors but ends up being a huge hit.

2) Wonderful Town
I’ve never seen Wonderful Town, but I have heard the wonderful ode to the Buckeye State, “Why, oh why, oh why oh, why did I ever leave Ohio?” That’s enough to make this list.

3) The Wizard of Oz
Tornadoes, flying monkeys, witches, lions—what’s not to like about The Wizard of Oz? “If I Only Had a Brain” could be the best song in any musical, and the ending that demystifies the wonderful wizard is truly inspired and inspiring. As a side note, the myth about the musical perfectly synching with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon is totally bogus.

4) Grease
C’mon, you know it’s fun. And admit it, you know all the words to the songs.

5) Hairspray
John Waters is overrated, but Hairspray is a bit overlooked. The musical about an overweight teenager who wins a spot on, then tries to racially integrate, a local dance show is certainly more entertaining than The Phantom of the Opera. The R&B soundtrack that drives the musical also is more enjoyable than the boringly overwrought Andrew Lloyd Webber’s work.

Top Lady

1) Singin’ in the Rain
From the “Moses Supposes” number to “Good Mornin’” to “Make ‘em Laugh” to the perfect, perfect title song scene, it just doesn’t get any better than this. And even if there was no singing or dancing, Lena’s shriek of “Whattayou think I am, dumb or somethin’?” would make this movie.

2) Camelot
If Singin’ in the Rain is timeless, there is nothing more of its own time (1960) than Camelot. The fact that it came to represent the too-short first term of JFK adds another layer to the already timeless story; and even the happiest songs have a few minor keys that consistently foreshadow or reflect the ultimate tragic end.

3) West Side Story
Leonard Bernstein is the great American composer; and this is one of his masterworks. And what could be more American than an immigrant vs. native gang war, violence on the streets of New York, and a love that defies all those barriers? Plus, it’s so ingrained in our culture, all you have to do is crouch at the knees and start snapping your fingers, and at least one person around you will start going “Boy, Boy, Crazy Boy….”

4) The Music Man
Lots of musicals have great stories, but few of them actually have great characters. Prof. Harold Hill is a great American swindler who, in pretending to clean up a squeaky clean town by instituting a boys’ band, cleans himself up…by actually instituting a boy’s band. Besides, when is anyone ever going to write a nice song about Gary, Indiana again?

5) A Chorus Line
A Chorus Line declared itself “The Greatest Musical. Ever.” in its own ads when it opened, and it comes pretty darn close. No other show is so equally demanding of vocal, dancing, and acting skill in its performers; it’s a showcase of talent, an exacting look at the back rooms of show business, and a celebration of the myriad types of people who make up the American stage. The finale number, “One,” with the case in white costumes on a staircase, has become the iconic image for musical theater.

Top 5 Superheroes

Top Lady

1) Spider-Man
Spider-Man is the David Eckstein of superheroes—he’s not real big or imposing, but clever, fast, and strong. Spider-Man seems to do a lot of soul searching, but he’s pretty clear on his mission—fight petty crime and take on the occasional supervillain. The fact that he daylights as a science geek/photojournalist/pizza delivery guy makes him the most appealing—unlike Batman, he doesn’t come from money, and actually has a rent to pay.

2) Wonder Woman
Like Superman, Wonder Woman is not human. However, most of her crimefighting ability comes from her tools and weapons, like the Magic Lasso, rather than supernatural ability. I like that she doesn’t fly—but she does pilot an invisible jet (seriously, what’s the point of it being invisible? You can see her inside). Unlike her male counterparts, Wonder Woman’s not very complicated (she doesn’t seem to fall in love that much, or crave a father figure), but that’s what makes her so appealing—she’s just good, strong, and wears an awesome outfit.

3) Batman
It took some guts for Bob Kane to create the most intimidating and least reassuring superhero of all time. Batman doesn’t say too much, other than “I’m Batman,” so you’re never quite sure what he’s doing—we know he beats up bad guys, but you hesitate to describe him as a good guy, too. But, of course, this ambiguity (moral and otherwise) makes him one of the most exciting superheroes, and (I’ll go so far as to say) literary characters in American culture. Plus, he definitely has the coolest car.

4) She-Ra
I don’t remember too much about what She-Ra’s actual powers were, except that she was He-Man’s sister, a “Princess of Power” and had some serious weaponry. I’m sure she fought Skeletor in some capacity. Anyway, she was brave, she was a princess, and she had her own horse—for a 6-year-old girl, that’s really all you want in a superhero.

p.s. As the Top Guy likes to point out, Skeletor was a skeleton…with muscles.

5) Danger Mouse
In the early '80s, a lot of cable channels were starting up before they actually had a lot of original programming to show. For Nickelodeon, this meant the import of a lot of weird Japanese and European cartoons, including Danger Mouse. I think Danger Mouse was supposed to be a combination of Sherlock Holmes, James Bond, and Lord Nelson, and I believe he saved Parliament and Big Ben several times, which certainly qualifies him as a superhero. Also, his sidekick was a hamster.

Top Guy

1) The Tick
Actually, the Tick is a spoof on superheroes. The cartoon version was one of the funniest, most well-written shows on television in the ’90s. I can’t say how many Saturday mornings I spent watching the Tick, along with his trusty sidekick, Arthur, and fellow superheroes such as Sewer Urchin and American Maid protect Earth from supervillains such as the Terror, Chairface Chippendale and Joseph Stalin.

2) Spider-Man
What can Spider-Man do? Anything a spider can. But his powers aren’t limitless—seriously, how many times does he come this close to dying—which makes him so much cooler than the super-invincible, super-boring Superman.

3) Batman
He’s the only superhero without any super powers. Everything he achieves is through guts, determination and the coolest gadgets ever. In the Joker, he also has the coolest arch-nemesis of any superhero.

4) Wolverine
The X-Men are awesome, and Wolverine is the biggest badass of them all. He makes the list despite sharing a name and color scheme with Michigan’s football team.

5) Iron Man
He’s so cool, Black Sabbath wrote a song about him. Can he walk at all? Or if he moves, will he fall?

Top 5 Presidents Not on Money

Top Guy

1) Theodore Roosevelt
Roosevelt is good enough to have his head carved into a mountain, but he’s not good enough to get a coin?!? As president, he spearheaded the deal for the Panama Canal, established the National Parks Service and the Food and Drug Administration, broke up monopolies such as Standard Oil, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for brokering the end of the Russo-Japanese War.

2) James Monroe
Before becoming president, Monroe helped negotiate the Louisiana Purchase, which doubled the size of the nation. As president, he authored the Monroe Doctrine, which stated that “…the American continents…by the free and independent condition which they have assumed and maintain, are henceforth not to be considered as subjects for future colonization by any European Power” and became the predominant American foreign policy for the next 100 years.

3) James Madison
Granted, Madison’s career was pretty much over by the time he was elected president. But if Alexander Hamilton gets the $10 for being the first secretary of the Treasury, and Ben Franklin gets the $100 for being a founding father, then shouldn’t the man largely credited with writing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights find a home on some currency.

4) William Howard Taft
He’s known as the fattest person ever to reside in the White House, but he should be remembered as the only man to ever serve as both the president and the chief justice of the Supreme Court.

5) William Clinton
If conservatives can call for every coin, airport and road to bear Ronald Reagan’s name, then liberals should be calling for the same for the 42nd president. To think, it’s only been eight years since America was a peaceful, prosperous nation held in high regard by other countries.

Top Lady

1) Theodore Roosevelt
T.R. was hands down the 2nd greatest president of the 20th century (after his cousin Franklin). He was a war hero, mastermind of the Panama Canal, author of 35 books, conservationist, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, and advocate of women’s suffrage and equal pay. Although Roosevelt could be accused of ushering in the age of American Imperialism, today’s leaders would do well to remember that he spoke softly (not brashly) with that big stick.

2) Woodrow Wilson
Probably the most intelligent president we’ve ever had. Wilson held out on World War I as long as he could, and then was critical in creating the Treaty of Versailles while also creating the League of Nations (for which, like Roosevelt, he also won a Nobel Prize). Wilson seems to have a reputation for being kind of a weakling, but his embrace of diplomacy and resistance to unnecessary arms-building in the face of the first global conflict should be recognized.

3) Harry S Truman
Truman served as vice president for only three months before FDR’s death pushed him into the heart of World War II, and many of the decisions he made, including using the nuclear bomb, were essentially the fulfillment of what FDR would have done. (Truman kept all of FDR’s cabinet intact.) Truman also authorized the Berlin Airlift, kept Joe McCarthy under control (for a little while) and got some wheels turning regarding Civil Rights. Also, he was from Missouri, and said things such as “The buck stops here.”

4) James Madison
He wrote the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Doesn’t he deserve more than a lot of streets, a mermaid, and a million 8-year old girls named after him?

5) Jimmy Carter
Carter is a better ex-President than he was an actual member of the Executive branch, but much of his failure in getting things done came from poor relations with Congress. Now, gas is $4.49 a gallon. We don’t have peace in the Middle East. We don’t have a good plan for renewable energy or any kind of energy independence. Carter tried to tackle these in 1977. If he had been successful, can you imagine the kind of country we would be?

Top 5 Types of Pie

Top Lady

1) Pecan Pie
Yes, my number 1 is not a fruit pie. As my family will attest, I’m not too fond of pie, but I do like pecans covered in sugar sitting over a syrupy base. Besides, unlike apples, pecans only grow in the U.S., and, unlike apple pie, the best recipes call for a shot of bourbon.

2) Cherry Pie
When I think of pie, I think diners, truck stops, and coffee shops. And when I think of those things, I think of loners, drifters, and runaways—all people craving a little bit of home (but not too much home). And it always seems to be cherry pie which Enid or Madge serves to these guys with their cup of drip automatic coffee.

3) Punkin’ Pie
I once saw a woman on TV who wins the Pillsbury Pie Bake-off every year with her pumpkin pies, which she makes from her own home-grown pumpkins. Pumpkin pie is, for some reason, sacred to us. Just watch—next Thanksgiving, casually mention that you hate pumpkin pie, and then sit back and let the pariah treatment start.

4) Apple Pie
I think a lot of people like the idea of apple pie more than the actual thing. It’s a pain to make and pretty easy to screw up. That said, things that take a lot of time and skill are usually made with care, which is why we like it, and why you can buy a scented candle that smells like apple pie. Or you can get the Hot Pocket-shaped one from McDonalds.

5) Denny’s French Silk Pie
A friend of mine wrote a song about this pie. I don’t know if he really liked it that much, but I do know that I love the pretend fanciness of calling a pie “French Silk,” since it’s basically chocolate pudding scooped out into a premade crust. Mmmmm…..tastes like freedom.

Top Guy

1) Apple Pie
Apple pie is as American as baseball and Elvis Presley. If you don’t like apple pie, you’re probably on the terrorist watch list.

2) Buckeye Pie
I swear this isn’t on the list only because I’m from Ohio. Instead, it makes the cut because it’s basically a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup in pie form.

3) Oreo Pie
See above. Only substitute Oreos for peanut butter and chocolate.

4) Strawberry Pie
There are few joys in life greater than chomping down on fresh strawberries and cream on a warm summer’s day.

5) Blueberry Pie
You could easily substitute any other berry here, but this makes the cut because blueberries are my favorite berries.

Top 5 Things Not to Name Your Kid

Top Guy

1) Cory
This tops the list because I was almost named Cory. Mom’s selling point to my two older brothers: “You can call him Corky.” All of the potential victims from the multi-state killing spree that would have ensued should be grateful that another name was chosen.

2) Beemer
My brother wasn’t so lucky. He ended up with the middle name of Beemer, which also was my grandfather’s middle name. Growing up, we would play games of B-E-E-M-E-R instead of H-O-R-S-E. The lesson: Never name your child something that he/she will never forgive you for naming them.

3) Cheyenne
If you want your daughter to end up in a trailer park or in a porno, this is the name for you.

4) Elliot
I’ll let John Cusack’s character from The Sure Thing handle this one: Elliot? You’re gonna name the kid Elliot? No, you can’t name the kid Elliot. Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste. You’re not gonna name the kid Elliot. You gotta give him a real name. Give him a name. Like Nick. Yeah, Nick. Nick’s a real name. Nick’s your buddy. Nick’s the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn’t mind if you puke in his car, Nick.”

5) Anything Anything III
If you’re a Junior, and you pass your name on to your son, you’ve just obligated him to name his first-born boy Anything Anything IV. Don’t do this to your future grandchild.

Top Lady

1) Cheyenne, Dakota, or any other Tribe of Which You Are Not Actually a Member
I know it drives Native Americans crazy enough when white folks decide to get in touch with their native roots by putting up dreamcatchers or retreating to a spa in New Mexico to communicate with the Great Spirit. But introducing your blonde, blue-eyed kid as “Dakota” just begs the question: have you ever heard the wolf cry to the Blue Corn Moon?

2) Tressel Hayes
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2830476

3) The Same First Name as Dad, but Not the Same Middle Name
Thus creating all the fun and wacky confusion of having two “John Smiths” without the convenience of “Junior.” Plus, it eliminates the potential for the royal-sounding III, IV, and V suffixes. (or, the hick-sounding Trip, Ivy, and Vee nicknames)

4) Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte, or Aidan

5) Combination of Parents’ Names
Yes, no one else will have a kid named Linley, Joniffer, Kevlyn, Markery, or Marbert. But, aside from imagining that name on a business card 30 years from now, what happens when Jakily and Sophichael get married and have kids? You’ve got a grandkid named Jasopilchel. That’s what.

Top 5 Country Love Songs

Top Lady

1) I Fall to Pieces, Patsy Cline
Aside from showcasing THE great female country voice, this song manages to be painfully emotional without getting pathetic. Plus, we’ve all been there—we don’t have to wonder how Patsy’s going to be just his friend.

2) I Walk the Line, Johnny Cash
It’s easy to say “I love you” in a song, but (though he would screw up many, many times after he wrote it) John knew that actions speak louder than words.

3) Always on My Mind, Willie Nelson
And then there’s that bad boyfriend who always screws up…and says he’s sorry. And damn if you don’t go running back every time…

4) Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash (written by June Carter)
As Heart would express less elegantly years later: Love Hurts. The peppy Nashville sound and mariachi trumpets on the most famous recording undercut some pretty emo lyrics, making for an unforgettable song.

5) I’m the Man Who Loves You, Wilco
Is Wilco still an alt-country band? Ah, who cares. Much like “There She Goes” by The La’s, there’s not a gal who hears this song who doesn’t wish it was written about her.

Top Guy

1) I Walk the Line, Johnny Cash
It's a beautiful love song, but it tops the list for the innovative click-clack rhythm (achieved through the use of a dollar bill underneath the guitar strings), the unusual chord progression and the the use of five key changes through the song.

2) I’m Thinking Tonight of My Blue Eyes, Carter Family
This song could make the list on its own merits, but it ranks this high because a radio performance of the song actually led to love. Sara Carter sang the song when the trio had a radio residency in Texas, and her true love, Coy Bayes (who was Sara’s husband A.P. Carter’s cousin, and who was kept away from Sara by the extended family), heard it, drove to Texas and reunited with his love. It’s complicated, but it’s really sweet.

3) Hey, Good Lookin’, Hank Williams
Looking back over Williams’s catalog, I was surprised to see that he didn’t write that many love songs. Most of the songs he wrote about his beloved Audrey were broken-hearted laments such as “Cold, Cold Heart,” “Half as Much” and the saddest song ever written, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.” Still, a country-music list wouldn’t be complete without Williams, and “Hey, Good Lookin’” is sweet slice of folksy fun.

4) Far Away Eyes, Rolling Stones
Even though the Stones are considered a blues-rock band, they always could write a country song that would make Hank Williams proud. “Far Away Eyes” is a bit of a joke, but it does give hope to all those guys down on their luck who can’t harmonize. They might not get the model, but they can find love with the bleary, worse-for-wear-and-tear girl with…well you know what kind of eyes she’s got.

5) Right In Time, Lucinda Williams
This song is secretly dirty. It seems like an ode to a good man. But it’s really about a good man who’s an even better lover, a man who can match Williams move for move. My favorite part of the song is the knowing “Ohhhhhhh baby” wails before each chorus.

Top 5 People Who Should Be in the Baseball Hall of Fame...But Aren't!

Top Guy

1) Pete Rose
I can’t write about this rationally. So I’ll just argue that if a drunken womanizer (Babe Ruth) and a drunken racist (Ty Cobb) are hall worthy, then the all-time hits leader should get the call despite his many troubles.

2) Marvin Miller
As the first head of the player’s union, Miller ended the reserve clause, created free agency and arbitration, and ushered in baseball’s modern era. Of course, he upset so many people in the establishment that he’ll probably never get a call from the hall.

3) Dr. James Andrews
It could be argued that few have contributed as much to the game of baseball as Andrews. He never swung a bat in the majors, never pitched a no-hitter or (as far as I know) even attended a major league game. But he did invent ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction surgery, in which a ligament in the elbow is replaced by a tendon from somewhere else in the body. It’s better known as Tommy John surgery—John was the first professional pitcher to successfully undergo the surgery—and it has saved the careers of literally hundreds of pitchers.

4) Eddie Gaedel
He’s the only player in the history of baseball to have a perfect on-base percentage. In 1951, Gaedel drew a walk in his first and only at bat for the St. Louis Browns. Sure, the 3-foot-7-inch midget was just a publicity stunt by Browns owner Bill Veeck, but his walk-to-at-bat ratio puts Kevin “The Greek God of Walks” Youkilis to shame.

5) Mark McGwire
McGwire had the unfortunate distinction of being the first big-time slugger from the steroids era to come up for a hall vote. He didn’t even come close to being elected despite hitting 583 home runs and being named to the All-Century Team in 1999. Put him in (and Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, etc.), make a mention of the steroids suspicions on the plaque and get over it.

Top Lady

1) Willie McGee
OK, it’s probably not realistic, but what kind of St. Louisan would I be if I didn’t put Willie at the top of the list? Now that Ozzie is in, he’s our next best prospect until Pujols retires or McGwire comes out of his cave.

2) Bill James
Bill James is baseball’s Galileo; and seeing as baseball owners are willing to shift their thinking at about the same speed as the Catholic Church, he probably won’t get in until after he dies, or until after everyone who thinks sabermetrics is a crock dies. But he will. Also, can someone explain sabermetrics to me again?

3) Keith Hernandez
Aside from having great seasons with the Mets and the Cardinals, Keith gave us one of the best two-episode Seinfelds of all time. Who does this guy think he is? He’s Keith Hernandez.

4) Horace Wilson
I don’t know much about Horace Wilson, except that he was an American professor who introduced baseball to Japan in the 1870’s. 138 years later, the fruits of his labor include Hideo Nomo, Suzuki Ichiro, Hideki Matsui, So Taguchi, the Nippon Ham Fighters, and Mr. Baseball.

5) Bob Uecker
OK, I have no idea who else should be in the Hall of Fame who isn’t right now, so I’m just going to throw out Bob Uecker, because he played on the ’64 World Series Cardinals team, and then went on to be on Mr. Belvedere and in Major League. Also, he calls himself Mr. Baseball.

p.s. I just spent the last hour looking at baseball nicknames on Wikipedia. Awesome.

Top 5 Constitutional Amendments

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Top Guy

1) First Amendment
As a journalist and a musician, the first amendment has a special place in my heart.

2) Twenty-First Amendment
This amendment repealed the eighteenth amendment, which outlawed “the manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors.” Lift your glasses and rejoice.

3) Fifteenth Amendment
The thirteenth amendment ended slavery, but this is the amendment that gave former slaves suffrage. It was basically a way for legislators to say sorry for that whole slavery, three-fifths of a person thing.

4) Ninth Amendment
A case could be made for the fourth, fifth and sixth amendments, but the ninth trumps them all. The basic premise is that, while certain rights have been spelled out in the first 10 amendments, those rights “shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

5) Third Amendment
The forgotten amendment in the first 10 protects against the unwanted quartering of soldiers. Sure, it has little or no use today, but it’s still nice to know that the only G.I. Joe in my house will be fighting the forces of Cobra.

Top Lady

1) 13th Amendment: Abolition of slavery
Really, it was only after 1865 that all Americans could sing that Lee Greenwood song about knowing you’re free.

2) 1st Amendment: Freedom of Speech
Granting all Americans the right to hold KKK rallies, burn the flag, record albums that glorify violence, and generally sound like idiots…especially via blog.

3) Equal Rights Amendment (not yet ratified)
In the 1970’s my mom made 1/3 less pay than the man next to her doing the exact same job. Almost 40 years later, aside from a long, expensive class action suit, there’s still nothing women can do to challenge that.

4) 20th Amendment: Women's Suffrage
50 years after African-American men are granted the right to vote, Susan B. Anthony and others win the campaign for women’s suffrage. 88 years later, a female has a shot at the presidency, and young men shout “Iron my shirt!” at her.

5) 21st: Repeal of Prohibition
I’m gonna need to utilize this Amendment after writing this list....

Top 5 Fictional Characters from Novels

Top Guy

1) Rob Gordon, High Fidelity
This list couldn’t be complete without the king of Top 5 lists. Rob is a miserable, broke record store owner whose girlfriend just left him for a complete douchebag and who’s on a quest to figure out what has gone wrong with his life. Sure, that’s the basic premise of about 10 million books, but Rob gets the nod because he’s smart, funny and has impeccable taste in music.

2) Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird
Harper Lee has still only written one book in her career, but she hit perfection on her first swing. Has there ever been another character as heroic and genuinely good as Atticus?

3) Maurice Bendrix, The End of the Affair
If you ever need lessons on how to be a vindictive, vengeful ex-lover, there are few better places to turn to than Maurice. Plus, he gets to write one of the best lines ever: “This is a diary of hate.”

4) Lennie, Of Mice and Men
So sweet. So simple. So doomed.

5) Yossarian, Catch-22
Smart enough not to die, but not smart enough to get himself out of the war, Yossarian is the perfect archetype for anyone stuck in a bad situation (whether it be a bad job, a bad relationship or a bad war) without having a way out. This entry reminds me that I should read Catch-22 again.

Top Lady

1) Humbert Humbert, Lolita
Though Dolores Haze herself is actually quite strong when you read between the lines, I can’t think of any other narrative voice that’s as successful at seducing the reader into sympathizing with and being charmed by such a revolting character.

2) Emma Bovary, Madame Bovary
Probably the most relevant 19th century character to contemporary society: Madame Bovary is the ultimate Desperate Housewife who gets what’s coming to her in the end.

3) Kurtz, Heart of Darkness
I put Kurtz ahead of Hannibal Lecter, Tom Ripley, and Dracula in downright creepiness. He has hardly any dialogue, and the novel’s description of a frail, white-haired old man doesn’t match up with Brando in Apocalypse Now, but “Exterminate the Brutes!” still sends shivers down my spine.

4) Ignatius J. Reilly, A Confederacy of Dunces
Anyone with too much education considers Ignatius to be hilarious; anyone who has ever “filed” anything by throwing it into a wastebasket considers him a genius.

5) Clarissa Dalloway, Mrs. Dalloway
Through the city of London could itself be the primary character of the book, Mrs. Dalloway acts as the bridge between the Victorian era and the Modern. She’s also one of the few major literary characters who seems genuinely nice—after all, she’s the one who said she’d buy the flowers.

Top 5 Ice Cream Flavors

Top Lady

Pistachio
Not too easy to find in the average 31 Flavors these days, but pistachio ice cream has a nice, muted flavor that I really like after eating something rich.

Chocolate
Straight up chocolate ice cream is pretty much a fountain of youth, in my opinion. What flavor would you rather lick off your wrist when it starts dripping down?

Melon
For the hottest of hot days. Melon as a fruit always seems cool when you eat it (like grapes), so in ice cream or sorbet form, it really does the trick.

Chocolate Chip
I felt I needed a variation of vanilla, because at its heart ice cream really should be a simple pleasure, without half a pantry’s worth of graham crackers, dried fruit, cookies, or cake batter dumped in there. The chocolate chips are just enough to keep it from being too….vanilla.

Riso
Ok, I’m cheating here, because I’m referring to a specific gelato in Rome that is made from rice. But I love rice pudding, and this is its creamy, nutty, chewy equivalent on a cone. With a little house-made whipped cream, it’s molto delicioso.

Top Guy

1) Salty Caramel
Instead of extolling the virtues of the greatest ice cream flavor ever, I’ll tell a story. One Saturday years ago, God stopped by Jeni Britton’s ice cream shop to taste her salty caramel concoction. The next week, he stopped again, telling Jeni that her signature flavor was better than anything he had ever created.

2) Strawberry
Of the simple, base flavors—vanilla, chocolate, strawberry—this comes out on top. It’s at its best when scooped with chunks of real strawberries. It gets bonus points for being the best ice cream for a shake.

3) Bunny Tracks
This could easily have been moose tracks or any other animal-track ice cream because each has the same basic combination of chocolate chips, little peanut butter cups and nuts. Bunny Tracks wins out, though, because bunnies are much cuter animals than moose.

4) Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Who hasn’t gorged themselves sick eating cookie dough? Combine that with ice cream and chocolate, and your taste buds will thank you.

5) Chocolate
This is my two-year-old nephew’s favorite flavor, although he has never actually tasted it. Still, I think he’s on to something…

Top Five Films That Shouldn't Have Won Best Picture...But Did!

Top Guy:
1) Forrest Gump (1994)
I’ll throw this out there right from the start: I hate Forrest Gump. It’s trite. It’s as stupid as its central character. And its underlying theme—that walking the straight and narrow will bring you fame and fortune while flaunting authority will bring you an early death by AIDS—makes me want to vomit.

Even defenders of Forrest have to admit that it wasn’t 1994’s best picture. Pulp Fiction had the buzz going into the Oscars, and it saved John Travolta’s career while establishing Quentin Tarantino as a legitimate director and Samuel L. Jackson as a legitimate badass. The Oscar, however, should have gone to The Shawshank Redemption, which is simply one of the best films ever made. (It gets extra props for being filmed in Ohio.)

2) How Green Was My Valley (1941)
I admittedly know nothing about this movie. I’ve never seen it. I barely even knew it existed. So why is it on the list? The movie that’s generally considered the greatest ever made, Citizen Kane, was up for the award.

3) Driving Miss Daisy (1989)
Does anyone else have a problem with a film based around an old white woman bossing around her black driver in the American South? Does anyone else have a problem that this crap-tastic snoozer beat out Field of Dreams, Born on the Fourth of July, Dead Poets Society and My Left Foot?

4) Shakespeare in Love (1998)
There were many good things in the ’90s. Peace. Grunge. Economic prosperity. Michael Jordan. But the Oscars penchant for handing out Best Picture awards to period pieces featuring love stories wasn’t one of them. This capped off a three-year period in which The English Patient and Titanic also took home the top prize.

Anyone who can argue that Shakespeare in Love—which also took home the Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress and Best Original Screenplay Oscars—was better than Life is Beautiful, Elizabeth and Saving Private Ryan is a better debater than me.

5) Rocky (1976)
I have no quarrel with Rocky as a picture or as an icon. Along with Hoosiers and the original The Longest Yard, it’s arguably the best sports movie ever made.

In any other year, Rocky might have been the best picture. But it was a distant fourth in 1976 after All the President’s Men, Network and Taxi Driver, which should have won Martin Scorsese his first Oscar 30 years before The Departed.

Top Lady:
1941 Winner: How Green Was My Valley
Shoulda Won: Citizen Kane
It’s easy to look at the winners of the ‘40s and ‘50s and claim that Hollywood still had a lot to learn from the French about appreciating good movies. But you really have to wonder…who sat through Citizen Kane and then thought “Well, I guess it was pretty good, but Best Picture? ….Nah!”

1944 Winner: Going My Way
Shoulda Won: Double Indemnity
See above. Hey—I’m all for Bing Crosby/Bob Hope sing-a-longs, but against the greatest film noir flick of all time?

1956 Winner: Around the World in 80 Days
Shoulda Won: The Ten Commandments
The Ten Commandments was the Lord of the Rings of its era—without the aid of CGI. Instead, they gave it to the Shrek of its era.

1985 Winner: Out of Africa
Shoulda Won: The Color Purple
Two great books (seriously, I recommend them both). But Out of Africa is 3 hours of two beautiful white people who somehow make Africa boring. Can you think of another film in the past 25 years that gave such great roles to African-American actresses as The Color Purple? Add this to the list of snubs that made Halle Berry’s Oscar a too little, too late gesture.

1994 Winner: Forrest. Forrest Gump
Shoulda Won: The Shawshank Redemption
The three hours of Boomer self-love that is Forrest Gump rubbed everyone born after 1970 the wrong way. Too bad most of the Academy was born waaaaaay before then. The one Stephen King movie I can actually watch has writing and acting more impressive than a reanimated Lyndon Johnson any day.

Top Lady Rebuttal:

I originally had Driving Miss Daisy on my list, too. But the performances are so good, I let it slide. Besides, it's not an epic, historical epic, fantasy epic, colonial epic, war epic, or about Los Angeles, so it's kind of a break from the usual pattern.

Top Guy Rebuttal:

Seeing as how we agreed on 40 percent of the films, I don't have much of a rebuttal. You're right, Out of Africa was dreadfully boring--although there was a scene where Meryl Streep gets charged by a lion. If you want to make the case for The Ten Commandments, maybe you shouldn't compare it to The Lord of the Rings, which didn't deserve the Best Picture Oscar but won it because the Academy wanted to give the trilogy some props.